You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
