They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
