I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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