nut hugger
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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