apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
