i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
