maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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