my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
