I wanna bring you to show and tell
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I would ride that face into the sunset
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize