whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
honey bunches of taint.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
