i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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