then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
why is half of my head shaved?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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