I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize