I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize