i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
