Will you blow on my dice?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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