I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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