Can Purell be used as lube?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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