Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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