How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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