i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
