You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
