shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
