I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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