hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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