Where are you?
In a non slutty way
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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