what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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