All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
