Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Randomize
