The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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