I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
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