I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
