My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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