You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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