I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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