2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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