you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
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