There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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