i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
