i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
