"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
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