What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Holy sore nipples Batman
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
