Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
