Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
