I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
