Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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