Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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