If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
