How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
