Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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