I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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