dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
