I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
