You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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