dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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