I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
