I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
