for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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