I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Randomize
